Shiek Mansour, Roman Abramovich and Tony Fernandez, what do they have in common? A Shit ton of money.
The Trio are some of the wealthiest owners of football clubs in the premier league. They represent an increasing number of affluent people who have taken the step towards owning football clubs all over the world.
However, many have not been happy with latest developments. Fans of other clubs who have yet to gain infusion of petrol/steel/airline/etc dollars claim that such backing brings about detrimental impacts. After all, such money gives them an edge over other clubs with less capital in the transfer market. For years now, countless articles have gone out showing what fans or the industry think about such developments? What about our favourite tyrannical billionaires? Surely they have opinions too?
For one, Chelsea are facing a tough battle for 4th place despite having spent millions on the world’s top young boys. They are also left with 2 misfiring strikers and a manager who can’t seem to stay focused on the prize. Add that to negative sentiments on the Frank Lampard contract debacle and you realize how great a headache Abramovich has on his hand. In Manchester, Current Champions Manchester City sit on a double digit deficit from league leaders Manchester united. The team which Shiek Money Mansour spent hundreds of millions of dollars on are not playing well. Aguero has yet to hit the same heights as last season and a discontented Yaya Toure stirs up a storm in the back ground.
If you think that’s bad, what about Tony Fernandez? Air Asia’s eccentric CEO. His club now sits at the bottom of the table with 23 miserable points. All this despite spending a shit ton of money buying footballing stars. This is an absolute nightmare situation for any investor to be in. In times of crisis, I like to think that the best places for solace lies in meeting with people who are in just as much shit as you are. Hence, in that eventuality, what would our owners say to each other in such a situation?
In a not so secret meeting location many miles away….
Mansour: Welcome Roman to my humble abode. You are now in my luxury suite at the Etihad stadium. If you would like, I could give you a tour of my private art collection or let you have a taste of some expensive caviar.
Abramovich: Well Mansour, it surprises me how you take every opportunity you can to rub your wealth all over my face. I get the point that I am no longer the Premier league’s sugar daddy. Right now, I feel like a rich Arsene Wenger. This disgusts me, I need to freshen up in the toilet.
Abramovich: What a splendid and lavishly decorated toilet. I expected nothing less from you. At one point, I even thought oil would flow out from that tap. However, I can’t seem to understand one thing. Why are there fireworks laid out in the bathtub?
Mansour: Ah my apologies Roman, those fireworks must have been left behind by Balotelli. I was really hoping to try lighting those up with him eventually. Too bad he was shipped off to Milan. What an irony, I was hoping that Mancini could get the best out of that brat. I am never buying Italian “wonder kids” ever again.
Abramovich: This is why you can’t spend ridiculous amounts of money on players. Look at Shevchenko and Torres. I could not even get these 3 players to score more goals than Drogba. And Drogba was a Jose Mourinho buy. That guy’s shadow stalks the entire team! Now these media vultures are saying that I am making wrong decisions for Chelsea football club. But it is my club!
Mansour: You can’t have that attitude in the club managing game Roman. You also can’t make transfer decisions for the club. That’s why I have my expensive team of scouts and negotiators to do that for me. They might need my yacht or private jet now and then to bribe players but I get what I want.
Abramovich: Throwing ridiculous bags of money to get what you want, how nice…
Mansour: Now now Abramovich, don’t take the moral high ground on me. It is not as if you were not doing that before I entered the scene. All is fair in the game of football.
Abramovich: Fairness is one thing, but I cannot tolerate how you keep undercutting me at every turn. First with David Silva then Nasri and then Aguero! I had to buy a replica of David Silva in Mata to console myself. It was a miracle you did not steal Hazard away from me.
Mansour: Hey, I take Mata any day. He has become the best player in your club while Nasri and Silva have not been playing well this season in my club. Forget about that playboy Hazard, he flirted with every single team and dumped everyone majestically for you. I am done with that kind of player.
Abramovich: Hazard was a major coup but still… playing second fiddle to your wealth is infuriating.
Mansour: Don’t worry friend! If you do need an ego boost, hang out more with Tony next time. Girls can tell who the poorer rich guy is.
Abramovich: How ingenious! I should start following him on Twitter and Facebook then. Oh look, here he comes.
Tony: Hello my friends, I have just got off the phone with several football agents. They are adamant that their clients move if we get relegated. I can’t believe it, it is as if everyone wants to jump ship already.
Abramovich: Took you that long to figure out? I never understood your transfer strategy anyway.
Mansour: Be nice Roman. I feel your pain Tony. Spending 12.5 million dollars each on Loic Remy and Chris samba was a huge move. Yet even though Remy consistently scores, you can’t seem to find your way out of relegation.
Tony: I can’t wrap my head around Chris Samba. It was as if Russia made him a lousier defender. He got torn apart by Fulham that day and I am paying him 90 grand a week!
Abramovich: January transfers are crazy. The last time I spent money in January on players, I got a Torres and David Luiz. Now Torres isn’t scoring any goals and Luiz is just crazy. I paid for a defender god damn it, not some defender who thinks he can be both Xavi and Ronaldo at the same time.
Tony: Well, David Luiz is a great player to me. How about trading him for anyone of my players? Would you consider Adel Taraabt? That kid is full of talent.
Abramovich: No way, that kid carries tons of emotional baggage which I can’t handle. I think I will stick to sideshow bob. I mean come on. Afros are totally cool. Hmmmmm…this got me thinking, how about I buy a team full of players with Afros?
Tony: I would totally jump in on that deal.
Mansour: I will get Tevez to grow one and transfer him over. That would be epic.
Abramovich: You know who we can get? Fellaini! That Belgian is crazy talented.
Mansour: Sigh, I am over the whole “talented” tag thing. Just look at Scott Sinclair! I thought he was full of talent until I watched a YouTube clip featuring him during a free kick training. He couldn’t even complete a free kick properly! This is the last time I am buying any ex Chelsea youth team players.
Abramovich: Excuse me? I have spent tons of money on my youth team. Sinclair was just a piece of deadwood. Just look at Lucas Piazon, Romelu Lukaku and Kevin De Bruyne. They are excellent young starlets for my Chelsea revolution.
Tony: If only you can keep them at the club. Funny how you are sounding more and more like a paedophile. Besides you didn’t mention Courtois. It’s crazy how you still rely on Cech when you have the best young keeper in the world right under your nose.
Mansour: Yeah. You should dump Cech already Roman, Courtois is the future.
Abramovich: Hey don’t insult Cech! He may be over 30 but he still adds value to my team. And Look who is talking now. How dare you criticize my transfer policy Tony?! At least I don’t screw up and buy two keepers in the same transfer market. Poor Rob Green, he thought he would be the number one until you paid another premium for Julio Cesar.
Mansour: I have got to agree, that was a poor decision and a waste of money Tony. What do you think this is? FIFA? I thought you had more sense than that.
Tony: Well at least I am a better FIFA player than all of you. Besides, I am damn sure I won’t pay 50 million on a striker who can’t score or a striker who took a vacation in the middle of the playing season. Face it! You guys have made mistakes as well.
Abramovich: Well we are not staring relegation in the face. Try to accomplish that on FIFA Tony.
Tony: Trust me. QPR is not getting relegated this season. The Players will come to their senses soon.
Mansour: What senses do they have when money has clouded it. On a side note, what is Park Ji Sun doing in the side anyway? I get that you are Asian and need to have fill your Asian quota but did you have to get him? There are better players Asian players out there.
Tony: Park has tons of marketing value. He is practically a god to Korea women so that tons of loyal fans. How about you? Fancy any Arab players coming in anytime soon?
Mansour: That’s Ridiculous…. We Arabs don’t do Arab players! Besides we are digressing my friends. May I remind you that we came together to find a solution to our problems. Roman needs to maintain a champions league placing and Tony needs to stay in the premier league. I am losing my patience with Mancini. He may have built up a title winning squad but the management of it is getting atrocious!
Abramovich: That’s why I don’t put my faith in a manager completely.
Tony: You fire every manager that gets a bad run of results. That’s bordering crazy. You have an addiction to the chopping block, admit it!
Mansour: Agreed. You have got to start trusting people Roman. Very soon no one will want to manage Chelsea. Imagine if you kept getting fired on your first job, you wouldn’t be here today right? I would probably be talking to some Chinese Billionaire right now.
Abramovich: Oh please, who I fire is my own problem. Besides don’t you like the feeling of firing people?
Tony: Not even remotely you sadist…
Abramovich: Fine, it is probably the Russian mafia in me that enjoys it but honestly, all my managers have been subpar. And I lost out on my one true love Guardiola. Thinking about it breaks my heart. But rest assured, there are plenty of candidates ready to take the leap of faith as long as money is around. Chelsea will bounce back! Till then I will keep firing and hiring till Guardiola gives me a chance.
Tony: What about your fans? Surely they are tired with this managerial merry go round?
Abramovich: Money always talks Tony. Who cares what the fans think. That’s Rule one of being a ridiculously rich and powerful man. Besides, as long as we win, everything will soon be forgotten.
Mansour: That’s true. Too bad I don’t have the heart to adopt your approach.
Abramovich: Oh please, your Arab syndicate dictates oil prices on a whim. Don’t pretend to be compassionate in front of us.
Mansour: You got me there. Nevertheless, I will definitely be splashing huge amounts of cash in the next transfer window. No hard feelings if I steal your transfer targets?
Tony: Just leave the old birds and Russian league players to me brothers.
Abramovich: It is funny how we called an emergency meeting yet the solution was right in front of us the whole time. Gotta love money.
Mansour: Well money is the only solution before fair play comes in.
Tony: Fair play? That’s the biggest joke UEFA ever tried to pull. Get your cheque books out boys, it’s time to spend.